The occasional state of feeling like a failure
11/20/2025
These are the cringe ramblings of a student, if you do not want to read this brain diarrhea, I don't blame you and please skip this blog post. I apologize beforehand.
I am writing this because I feel I cannot share this with anybody I know, but I need to write it down somewhere to somebody who is willing to read it or is in the same situation as me. I also don't understand why this is happening and I hope that after writing this down I will have some clarity.
It is one of those days of extreme melancholia, that you just want to give up on everything. I am currently studying in university to become a game dev and I can say that I almost never take a day off to rest, I am always working on something, be it for uni or a personal project. I have been an artist since a very young age and I have always been drawn to creative fields and I believed that I was not a bad artist, until I went to university. I have noticed some anomalies in my mood, lows followed with high ups for a short period of time and after that a very low low. That is the state I feel I am in that exact moment. The high ups happen when i finish an important project that I feel proud of, and the lows occur when I get the feeling that my work has no meaning, is not important to anybody and that generally nobody cares.
In the past I believed I was a person with thick skin and that I could take criticism the right way and learn from my mistakes easily, seems like I was wrong. I know I sound like whiny little kid that believes he is right all the time and no one has the right to tell him otherwise, but I honestly don't know what is happening to me. I am drowning in work and I am feeling like I cannot even finish a single task well, because everyone tells me I am not good enough and all this has taken a toll on my self esteem and overall performance. I even work late at night and cannot even get 7 hours of sleep and I stopped going out with friends and I still feel like I am underperforming when I see the work of my colleagues that have a social life and time and everything. Maybe I just work too slowly, which is a very bad trait to have in this industry. I just feel like an absolute shit and I don't even have anyone to share this with since I have basically destroyed my social life with pushing people close to me away. I don't know if this is burnout or whatever but even if it is it doesn't matter because nobody cares for my feelings, all I need to do is perform well on my studies, which I seemingly cannot do currently, because every day I have less and less ambition do to something good. I wonder if it is worth it at all.
What concerns me mostly is not that I will not be able to graduate, but that I will never be able to find a job in the gaming industry. I want to be an indie dev and my dream is to make my own studio one day, but that feels impossible right now, since I am that bad an artist. I am also worried about my physical health. All those long hours on the computer have made my posture worse, not that it was that good anyway, I haven't been exercising or going on walks lately, I have been drinking more than usual and I have the urge to start smoking again.
Another thing I believe is that those thoughts and feelings are irrational, because I am privileged to live a life that billions of people on this earth would kill for. I am living in a developing country, but still I consider myself very privileged and I am feeling like I am not appreciating this enough. I am not disabled, I am not sick, I am not poor, I am not at war, my family is alive and well and I have food on the table every day and roof over my head, yet I still feel like shit all the time and I do not know why. I will continue working hard and I hope that I will finally see some good results, because I only feel happy when I finish a project well. I hope that I will be able to make a career in art, if I cannot become an artist I would rather die, because I don't know what else to do with my life.
If you have read this far, I apologize again and thank you for reading. I hope that you have found a meaning or that my words have helped you somehow and I wish you all the best, wherever on the globe you are and I hope you will achieve your dreams someday.
05/02/2026 It has been a little over two months since I wrote this and I had not published it on the blog out of shame, but I think it is time. Not much has changed. After two months away I went to my hometown to celebrate Christmas with my family I felt a bit better. But I am back to the same spot now. I have been contemplating a lot on my situation and I can say that I am surely not the only one. I am certain that there are many people around the world that are feeling the same. Young people like me are seeing that the reality of the world is actually a big illusion, and we don't know what to do about it. Due to recent world news(you know exactly what I am talking about, even my small insignificant country is involved in this), the masks have fallen and we saw that the people that govern us are not what they seem and that this whole system that we give our lives to is fake. Is it worth it to try to waste your whole life working to own nothing? I am just tired. I am barely 20 years old and I feel like I have no life in me. The years that our parents have told us that are the best, that you feel some naive optimism about changing the world and achieving your dreams. I see no one my age like this. I only see apathy and fakeness. Everyone is just existing. The world is crumbling around us and we don't know what to do about it. Is it worth it trying to achieve something when eventually you will be replaced? I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I'm gonna go and live in the forest someday.